Again, alone.

Here I am...

In silence, literally. My ears plugged tight,

as the sadness swallows me in.

He's sleeping. And it hurts.

He made me hurt or perhaps I did it, and I can only see him sleeping.

I want to cuddle him, but I can't, it's too hard.

I can't even ask help anymore, as I've already

used all of my lifelines.

I don't know what to do anymore...

The darkness is swallowing me in...

Already am I imagining my suicides again...

Is it the relationship, or pills I need, or is

it one another that's destroying me.

Yes.. I'm falling apart, I can see that, or can I?

Well, If I push it too far, I will not be here to see it.

It reeks dead to me here, but I'm not willing to

smell it.

Am I digging my own grave?

99 points you say?

Let me laugh a bit.

Well, I guess I won't get into that school..
Shame is that 20 years old as I am now, Poor girl don't know

anything else to do.

Sheehs, I got fed up about my crying an not getting any sleep, so I came to write my mind off.

My cat's are staring at me, and it's kinda freakish.. My I love mah kittens <3
Had a fight with my boyfriend, about me again..

*sigh*

I'm sorry, if you don't care, but I don't blame you.
I'm writing here because in this condition of my mind, it's really hard to write my diary

and I don't want it to be filled with depressing text.

But, at the moment, I feel i'm useless...
I mean, just facts I'm counting here;
- I wasn't "planned" child

- I almost got killed because of my drunken father when I was only a baby

- Because of me my parents divorced

- I have had plenty of times the Shinigami has been pulling my arm

- I've been used in my relationships, and back stabbed and lied and cheated on

- I've never been skinny, and I have nice fat on my lovely stomich

- I am not smart, actually I'm pretty dumd

- I never had the chance to live my "youth" = school days because of my mental issues and broken body image

- I've always hated myself more or less

- I did make up excuses for my friends if I was lazy
- Somehow I always tend to hurt my boyfriend's feelings

- I can't even make a tiny effort to get into a school where I want to go, even if I had to go study in another city.

Again, sorry.

I know I sound like a huge teenage-emo-girl, who just can't appreciate life, and is in "that age", but I'm not. I know it. I have been there already.
I think I just need again, a way to, "break the chains".

I just wish to do some things before I get "too old".
I want to have a family, want to get married, have kids, get a dog, get skinny, get own house, have a good courier.. yeah.. Maybe I'm just asking too much, form the allmigthy force, or someone.
Yeah, I know, I make my own luck..