Wish the time could be reversed

If I could. I would.

The presence is just useless and dark.

For me, I guess.

Thanx for not even letting me know, that I'm not needed anymore

"You and me, we used to be together

Every day together, always

I really feel that I'm losing my best friend

I can't believe this could be the end"

So for you. My dear friend.

so...

When I got nothing but my aching soul

I'm alone.

I hate it.

Like those red bullets killing me hopefully.

I just feel, it might not be enough.

That's just it. I always, at some point, end up 

Golden Dragons should be flying here, but they are nowhere to be found.

I hope my pain would end. But, its hard, because I'm scared.

Truth

Heaven is a place on earth with you

It's you, it's you, it's all for you 

Everything I do

 I tell you all the time

 Heaven is a place on earth with you

 Tell me all the things you want to do

 I heard that you like the bad girls 

Honey,

 is that true?

How could I've let myself fall this far...
Almost it was over.
Almost was my bloody tears flooded to the white heaven.

For my foolishness, my blindness, for ignorance,

I had to beg you... I know it must have hurt so bad.

Here I am. Again.

And that is why I hate myself so much.

Because I just don't learn.

Yeah, I know, I'm daddy's little princess, and all... And when I was a kid I got a lot of stuff (toys) but it didn't fill me. I was searching more. Maybe kindness... Warmth... I dunno..

Still those things follow me.

I always have to get something, even though I haven't figured out the whole situation (meaning I might be sad/depressed about something, and that would be the reason to want something new)

I hate when I'm greedy, thought I'm not.. or that's what I feel.

I always fuck up everything.. With my family, friends and relationship.. Even with my pets.
Yeah.. How fucked up can I be.

I just have to learn it the hard way.

The miss celebrity

You lightly just wrote that you can't make it, thought last night you begged me so hard to keep company.

It's okay, I've endured this before. It's fine. I'm not sad. Really.

Though one time, it was me to back off and you shoved me away.

Said I wasn't sorry. How could you know, huh?

Is it that I have to be the one who get's to suffer, though you say you are the victim.

I don't even know anymore. But still you are the dearest friend I have ever had.

And I hope you still will be.

But hopefully you understand. Someday.

I'm childish, stupid and know nothing about the world but still...
I'm jealous of your new friends (once again) but you know,
I though you knew me.

Once more have I fallen?

I guess I have...

Feeling the cold metal on my skin.
Shaking hands.

Warm tears falling down.

The music echoes in my ears.

I saw the red water falling down, 

again.

Swallow the pills down and fall back.

Is this my salvation?

Pain feels good.

It actually doesn't hurt.

 

Again, alone.

Here I am...

In silence, literally. My ears plugged tight,

as the sadness swallows me in.

He's sleeping. And it hurts.

He made me hurt or perhaps I did it, and I can only see him sleeping.

I want to cuddle him, but I can't, it's too hard.

I can't even ask help anymore, as I've already

used all of my lifelines.

I don't know what to do anymore...

The darkness is swallowing me in...

Already am I imagining my suicides again...

Is it the relationship, or pills I need, or is

it one another that's destroying me.

Yes.. I'm falling apart, I can see that, or can I?

Well, If I push it too far, I will not be here to see it.

It reeks dead to me here, but I'm not willing to

smell it.

Am I digging my own grave?

99 points you say?

Let me laugh a bit.

Well, I guess I won't get into that school..
Shame is that 20 years old as I am now, Poor girl don't know

anything else to do.

Sheehs, I got fed up about my crying an not getting any sleep, so I came to write my mind off.

My cat's are staring at me, and it's kinda freakish.. My I love mah kittens <3
Had a fight with my boyfriend, about me again..

*sigh*

I'm sorry, if you don't care, but I don't blame you.
I'm writing here because in this condition of my mind, it's really hard to write my diary

and I don't want it to be filled with depressing text.

But, at the moment, I feel i'm useless...
I mean, just facts I'm counting here;
- I wasn't "planned" child

- I almost got killed because of my drunken father when I was only a baby

- Because of me my parents divorced

- I have had plenty of times the Shinigami has been pulling my arm

- I've been used in my relationships, and back stabbed and lied and cheated on

- I've never been skinny, and I have nice fat on my lovely stomich

- I am not smart, actually I'm pretty dumd

- I never had the chance to live my "youth" = school days because of my mental issues and broken body image

- I've always hated myself more or less

- I did make up excuses for my friends if I was lazy
- Somehow I always tend to hurt my boyfriend's feelings

- I can't even make a tiny effort to get into a school where I want to go, even if I had to go study in another city.

Again, sorry.

I know I sound like a huge teenage-emo-girl, who just can't appreciate life, and is in "that age", but I'm not. I know it. I have been there already.
I think I just need again, a way to, "break the chains".

I just wish to do some things before I get "too old".
I want to have a family, want to get married, have kids, get a dog, get skinny, get own house, have a good courier.. yeah.. Maybe I'm just asking too much, form the allmigthy force, or someone.
Yeah, I know, I make my own luck..